I've been thinking of doing this for a long time now, longer than you could ever imagine. I have to do something before I go mad with anger and sorrow. I can't sit back and wait for you any longer. I have to make a move. I can't carry on being a 'guttless wonder' as I was once called.
I've never been very good with my emotions. Never. I have so many whirling around in my head at one time that it becomes too much to cope with and then I begin to cry in confusion.
Maybe that's why I like to write. Because I can write down the words clearly on paper so they make sense. I can plan it all out into paragraphs and tidy subheadings so I don't blurt them all out as one long mess and make a fool of myself.
But then again, you could laugh at me just as much by reading this letter. But I'll run the risk. Writers lay their soul down bare to their readers. They let them into their world. They risk ridicule and rejection. That's just something I'm going to have to chance - at least I won't be able to see your face.
But even as I sit here now I'm trying to imagine what your expression will be like. Will you laugh? Will you cry? Will this letter confuse you? Will it make you smile?
I love your smile. It's one of the best things about you, next to your eyes. You have very sad eyes, did you know that? They look so innocent, the way they light up when you laugh. The eyes are suppose to be the windows into somebody's inner self - their mind, their feelings. I feel that I know you so well but yet at times it feels as if you've drawn the curtains and shut me out. Let me help you, we could help each other.
I trust you more than anyone else that I know. How silly does that sound considering how long I've actually known you? But you understand me like no one else.
You listen with sincerity and you don't patronize me. And when you can't offer me advice you're always there with a big friendly hug. It makes a refreshing change.
You know sometimes I feel as if I could go mad with everything I have inside me, every little problem. Every bit of knowledge. I don't just have my own problems I have everyone else's as well. Why do they continue to do this to me? Why do they off load their problems onto my already overloaded shoulders? Don't they see that I have problems too? Don't they see that my so-called-life is far from perfect or are they too indulged in themselves to care? Sometimes I just want to disconnect the phone line - no calls, no answer phone messages, no e-mails. But then I wouldn't be able to talk to you. You're the only thing that keeps me sane after a bad day. I can't wait to hear your voice, see your smiling face.
When I'm with you I feel as though everything is alright in the world. My worries grow angel's wings and fly away into thin air.
But sometimes you make me so mad that I can't hold it in any longer. I cry myself to sleep at night.Do you have any idea what that is like? Every night?
Do you know what it is like for me? Seeing you nearly everyday but knowing that I can't have you - you're a forbidden fruit, but then we always want things we can't have.
Sometimes it feels as if you're playing some sort of game with me.
I get the feeling, sometimes, that you feel for me exactly what I feel for you. I've seen you loking at me, I've heard about the things you've said about me, kept every piece of scrap paper you've ever given me with a reassuring note written on it.
'Chin up, darling. XXX'
But then, sometimes, I feel as though I've misread the whole situation. You turn cold and close the curtains on me once more. You clam up, you don't speak and you can't bring yourself to look at me. Why? Why do you do it? Why do you make such feeble excuses?
'Why do you build me up, buttercup baby, just to let me down?'
That song has taken a deeper meaning now. I can't hum it, let alone sing it because it reminds me of my last day at high school. Of all the friends I'll never see again. Of you.
Do you know how scared I am of loosing you?
Sometimes I promise myself that I won't think of you today, but then I force myself to. As the gap between us is pushed wider, my fear of loosing you becomes greater. And then I think that at least if I do loose you, I'll be OK because I'll still have my memories.
But they're not the same as a living breathing person are they?
Just promise me that in a world were precious things are disappearing over night - just keep my star in sight.
I dream of a time when we can be together. I don't know how near or how far away that time is or if it will even come.
I picture us sitting by the sea, in a sandy cove somewhere watching the sunset as the salty waves break against the coastline.
Why the sea? Oh, I don't know. Maybe because it represents freedom, beauty - all the things I think about when I'm with you. What you are, deep, mysterious, beautiful, full of suprises.
I just want you to know that I'm here for you, no matter what. Time is going so slowly at the moment but soon it will all be over. All the adults will be gone - they'll only be us left. I'm here for you.
When I'm with you I feel as if I could go anywhere, do anything because I believe in you and I think you believe in me too.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is;
I love you.
I'm almost sure it's love. I've never felt like this about anyone before.
But please, don't take pity on me. Don'y feel sorry for me, because I'm a messed up girl. Just think about what you want. I'll understand either way - you're the most inspiring person I've ever met.
Just take this letter at face value - as a misguided love letter. There are no hidden meanings. My message is loud and clear.
Be the man I think you are.